Bed Times, Car Accidents, and Aunt Patty the Lesbian-(Where the Wild Things Are)

As an adult you read to me like a child. I didn't understand the language. I didn't understand the culture of rebellion: Why on Earth would a young boy run away from a hot meal? Why would he surround himself with monsters? Most importantly why would you always read this to me before we slept together? I do not consider literature--even children's literature--as a proper aphrodisiac, so why this book? Why even this movie?

Guest Blog-Alan Cano

She always came to see me. Each time she arrived she complained about how I never make the trek to see her. It was pretty unfair but she was right. One weekend I said "fuck it" and told her I would go where ever she wanted me to go. She had a beach house in Margate. I havent been that far down the shore in 11 years. I owed it to her out of guilt and because it would result in sex.

The houses floated in a bay. Probably the coolest house I've ever been in. Pigeons were replaced with seagulls and grass extended out where cement would be. It was pretty cold that day considering it was spring. I have never been in a house like that. I didn't even know they had houses like that. You have to take your time when youre in that house. When you move it moves. if you drop something when you're outside, it's gone.

It didn't have a basement, but the roof made up for it. The patio chairs weren't set up that day, but you could put a towel down and just lay on it. I didn't. I don't need anymore color, but you could if you wanted to. I brought my camera. I didn't know anything about taking photos at that time, so I just pointed and shot. Had I known then what I know now, I'm pretty sure I would have made multiple masterpieces, my portfolio would have been sick and I could have had an awesome show in the New Museum. Maybe that's wishful thinking, but you can do an entire series of photos standing on that roof. It was magical.

I'll never go back there. I can't. She left me half-way through the summer, and rightfully so. She would come up to me all the time, and I never made the time to go down to where she was. Our relationship wasn't the longest one, but I'll always remember that weekend I went down to her floating home and hung out with her on the roof.

Le Turd

Smile. You're a complete fraud and everyone knows it. I've heard you speaking Spanish to the busboys and the girls at the register--you don't fool me.

You're not toned enough, you're not poor enough. Give up the ghost.

Mars

It's snowing outside. Let's build a snowman together.

Laura Loves Rocky

The girl across from me is eating from a bag of sunflower seeds. The way she eats them creates this rhythm: the sound of her hand entering the plastic bag; then the sound her lips make as she separates the shell from the nut. There's also the occasional crack from when her teeth break apart the shell, and of course, the sound her larynx makes as she swallows it.

It all sounds long and laborious, but it happens very quick and very succinctly, as if she were a symphony.

Baby Plates

Hello and welcome to Baby Plates. Please let me take your coat. My name is O'neil and I'll be taking care of you. Is this your first time here?

The tables at Baby Plates are designed to fit a moderately sized seven year old. The silverware is even smaller and so are the plates; they are about the size of a teacup saucer. Baby Plates cuts no corners. Everything that comes out of the kitchen doors is served in micro portions. The salmon dill in a cream sauce over a bed of arugula is no larger than a silver dollar, and the lamb shank risotto is to die for but it's the size of a snow pea.

The prices per plate averages about 325 U.S.D. Baby Plates takes all Major Credit Cards and is now taking reservations for December of 2011.

Fags

Instead of his phone number he wrote terrible things on bar napkins. He also drew terrible things on them as well.

One of them consisted of very few words, but did have rather on-point drawing of some young man in double breasted suit giving himself a good once over. It read, "Sorry if this gets anywhere near your meal."

Another one used only words and was addressed to an attractive woman with dimples. It read:
"Your boyfriend is a homo."

Oddly, when he handed it over she was very interested in both him and his note. This of course was before she read it.

He still writes these notes. They are a bit more toned down nowadays. For example he wrote one to his co-worker just the other night:
"I want your sex"