Thursday, August 20, 2009

At The Car Wash

I've been a bit ill at ease as of late. It seems that after six years of university I haven't decided what to do with myself. My quick fix for this is to wander about as if I were a vagrant. I either use my bicycle or my skateboard, but today I was lucky enough to have borrowed my (step)father's car.

I was so excited to cruise around in his gas guzzling piece of shit. (10 mpg, can you believe that?) I didn't have to peddle around, I didn't have to skoot about; all I had to do was fork over enough cash to fill up half a tank and I was set.

Twenty doll hairs later, I was in dick to dick traffic and not even less than a mile away from my apartment. I didn't feel elated or relieved, instead it seemed as though all of the misery and all of the grief which makes up just a 1/16 of my day, came to helm of the wheel.

So, I'm in traffic, I'm wildly emotional, and I'm in this sort daze, while everyone around me is in this sort of rush to get somewhere. My first instinct was to take my step father's car to my aunt's house, but she lived an hour away so there was no way I was going to make there at a reasonable time, so I decided to take it for a car wash.

BAD IDEA! This guy's car looks like he drove through Ground Zero with the goddamn windows down. There was ash everywhere. There had been a superficial layer of ash that had covered and concealed another layer of ash, which had also served as the upper mantle to an infinitesimal layer of crumbs and broken chips.
In addition to the ash there had also been newspapers dated from the beginning of the year and chocolate stains all over the seats.
I sure as hell wasn't going to clean everything, so when I pulled into the car wash I headed straight for the vacuums, but before I could even put the car in park, there was this dude who was staring at me reaaallll hard, like he's never seen another dude in busted ass Dodge Durango pull in before.

Whatever, fuck that guy. He was gone before I got into scraping around for quarters in the cupholders.
Just to vacuum that piece of shit took me over forty five minutes and it still looks like Mt. Saint Helens blew a load inside of it. Whatever, at least I got out of my house for an hour.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Long Live Jim's

Jim's Burger Haven is so run down and so old that you probably thought it closed twenty years ago. Well, you're sort of right. Nothing about this place has changed, except their supply of food, which by the way is fucking delicious. I got a four piece chicken and a bacon burger. It cost me a little less than eight dollars, but it was worth every penny. The burger was unreal. I don't think I've ever had bacon so crispy in my life, I mean my mom makes a pretty serious BLT, but this place is on another level.

For serious, this place's chicken will have you contemplating buying a bucket. Fuck KFC, fuck Ronald McDonald, LONG LIVE JIM'S BURGER HAVEN.

BTW, you can even play MS. Pacman or Centipede while the fourteen year-old behind the counter deep fries the shit out of your order.

Oh and I almost forgot. For some reason there's these weird kid pictures littered all over the walls of this place. It's creepy and I'm pretty sure they're the baby pictures of the girl who works behind the counter.

Just whatever you do, make this your one an only pitstop on the way to the beach, because if this place closes down I might pull a Ritchie Tenenbaum.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Dinosaurs in New Jersey

Without fail every last dinosaur that somehow survived the volcanoes, the meteor showers, and the ice age, would be eaten and consumed by the thriving homeless population in New Jersey. Not to say that metro areas like L.A. and Manhattan wouldn't put a dent in the remaining sum of Brontosauruses, Diloposauruses, and raptors(They wouldn't stand a chance, what with all of these bike messengers running into them, rogue taxi drivers, and irate pedestrians).

The starving, the poor, the down and out that dwell in squalor on the banks of rivers would find a way to roast them over a trash can.

The Dinos would become a rare delicacy and join other favorites like Canadian geese and grey squirrel meat on a kebab; They would become the talk of the town. These dino's, they never had a chance.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Hey check out my issue at Viceland. It's way old, but it's humorous enough to revisit.

**BTW It's the leftovers issue.

Questions That Will Appear on the Application at BlockBuster

So I had a job and got the sack. Now I've got rent to pay and I live with a six foot Brazilian who eats organic.

I could get another loan to pay for my expenses but I'd rather not because a simple 1,000 dollar loan ends up becoming a 2,000 dollar headache.

My original plan upon graduation was to get a job as a porter or deckhand, or something that would appear in a F.Scott Fitzgerald Story, but I ended up getting a video editing job for a company that makes money from other people's miseries.

It was a sort of moving company and my boss didn't understand english all that well, so when he fired me via text it read, "Don't not come to work. Will mail final check."

Aside from the feeling of being sacked, I felt a great sigh of relief: My boss was an idiot and he couldn't form a sentence for the life of him. Not a big deal, but now I've got no job and pile of bills.

(Enter: The Frustration of Having to Apply for Jobs that only require a High School Diploma or G.E.D)

First it was Stop & Shop. It was sort of demeaning. I had to sit at the entrance of the store to fill out an application that had questions like, "In the past three years how many times have you stolen something from your job?"

After a half hour of that, I submitted it and spoke to a guy named John, who said we'll be in touch.

Next it was Blockbuster.

This was by far the worst and the most difficult, because of questions like, "If your friend asks to steal something, even though you know he's not supposed to, do you do it?"

I was in a pinch, so I answered " Yes".

Friday, August 7, 2009